I think the crying I have done in the past 12 hours EASILY adds up to all of the crying I've done in my life up until now!

Anyhow, after realizing that I needed to get out of my head and connect with the world I'm in, I started crying AGAIN and pulled my 8 year old on my lap and told him I was feeling sad and missing my friend and asked him if he wanted to play games with me. We played Sorry and Trivial Pursuit before he couldn't take anymore (he's my aspie kid and way too wiggly and distracted to sit for very long!) and it was fun and good and we laughed and connected.

John's magic was connecting with people and loving people. At the funeral, I was kind of okay until we did this "peace be with you" thing and all hugged and greeted each other (it was a catholic service). That just did me in because it reminded me so much of John.

So, I decided to use the lessons I learned from John - love and connection - and apply them to my life right now, today. It worked - I got out of my head and had fun and bonded with my hardest-to-bond-with son.

And pachy, you're right - if I'm still thinking about the funeral question in session on Friday, I'll ask T. I may call him...I'm positive he's expecting me to call anyhow. Or maybe I'll just try to stay in the here and now and CONNECT. Maybe walls aren't all that great, when it comes right down to it.