I know they do. Dammit, I know. I just wish that I could incorporate it into my life.
Ugh I'm so stupid I just can't seem to do it! GRRRR I annoy myself so much!

I just came back from bowling, with Charlene and Rich. It was a great evening, just means I can't breathe now... :/ all because of my workouts. Hm. Doesn't stop me working out again tomorrow though. I need to lose this excess weight, shift it, get rid of it. It sickens me.

What info do you mean? All the info about having to make others happy, to make me feel ok? Instead of making me happy to make me feel ok? I don't know.. I'm all confused and in a muddle and in pain and I just want to curl up in a ball..

I was with people today and walked past a bridge over the canal, that Id never really thought much of. One of them said "corr, that's a big drop down into the water" and looking down, I just said "Mmmm". And then it really got me thinking... that bridge.. I feel it could be of some use to me :/ scary thought, but.. I've actually stored that away in my mind as an idea and I'm kinda scared now that Connor's going to come on here and read this, which makes me want to delete it all and start over, but I can't just keep hiding it all away..

I've been thinking of OD'ing again, I've been so, so close and on Thursday, I get my money, which means I can get more pills and such and I'm just like.. Ugh.. I don't know what to do, my head's all over the place at the moment and everyone's just confusing me even more by coming to me with their problems, like Rich and Charlene.. Who can just figure out themselves what they need to do with each other and that is to back off from each other for a bit. Sigh. I'm struggling so, so much and I just found out, through an email, that I should be getting an appointment immediately to see a counsellor for the abuse I've been through *Thanks God!* which is good, but scary, but still good.. But I'm still struggling and I'm still really, really close to the edge and I just don't know what to do What if I cry in front of the counsellor? God, IJ panic so much!

Blah. Sorry. I'm scared and I'm gonna dissociate again if I'm not careful.