((((((((((((((((((((peaches)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Falling apart right before your therapist returns makes perfect sense to me. You "had" to hold yourself together while she was gone, because she was...gone! But now you can let yourself feel whatever you feel, and know that she will be here to care for you and help you through it. When do you see her??

And yes, that cycle you speak of is familiar to me. I'm diagnosed with (complex) PTSD. Early in therapy, it was frustrating to T and me that my big triggers/big pain almost never lined up with my therapy sessions. Something would happen and then by the time I got to therapy, I'd be back in numb/fine mode. I remember T really wishing there was some way we could magically get it all lined up, but things just happen when they happen.

As I feel safer with T, the cycle is changing a little. Or maybe I'm just more in touch with my feelings in general, so it's easier to access them while I'm with T.

Hugs to you - I hope you get to see T very soon!