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I really need help with this. I'm having severe trouble moving on and my mind always goes to things he once told me or any other event related to him. The scary part is that it's been 4 years since we have been apart. I'm losing my life.
I was 24 when I met him. We were 3-4 years together. He was my first. A passionate relationship, which he strangely never wanted to reveal to our common friends. During our 3rd year I found out –the hard way- that he was maintaining another relationship with another girl ....from his country of origin! This discovery happened as she came over to the States to visit him for 3 weeks!!! He lived with him, in the same room for those painful 3 weeks. I cried every night while he didn't seem to break a sweat knowing that his 2 girlfriends were in such close proximity from each other.
This explained why we lived in secrecy, which had always bothered me. I never got to enjoy my time together with him because of all that hiding. We existed only in his room! Realizing that I was "an affair" crushed me to pieces. I was really unwell.
I refused to see him again. Later on he explained that there was nothing he could do and that the relationship with her was over. He said that he waited for "her" to end it because he didn't want to hurt her. With ongoing explanations, with his weepy expressions and with me being in love with him, I found myself taking him back since .....he was working his way on breaking up with her.
He stopped working on that project though. He was just letting it slide. I was always asking him on when can live normally like a couple, so that the hiding can stop. I was asking him if he's ended it with her. He would always say “it’s not that easy” or just get up and go as a response.
Got fed up. So I found a job in another country, I packed and I left. I was 28 then. It's been 4 years now since that day. For these last 4 years I haven't had any luck with a relationship. Absolutely nobody has stopped by my life to spend some time with me. Nothing. I am now 32 with only 1 failed/sick "relationship" on my record, which I keep thinking about.
On the other hand, he's doing quite dandy. After I left the US, he finally broke up with the other one (great timing, huh?) and moved on to this new girl (as ugly as he is, maybe even uglier) to whom he is now engaged. He made sure to provide me with the news "I got engaged!". Maybe he thought I’d be happy for him. Seriously? He got engaged on my birthday AND chose my birthday to send me this news. Weird, huh?
Through my last 4 years here, in the foreign country, he's tried several times to keep a friendship with me, while being with the new woman. Once at a conference he actually proposed of leaving her (after a 2 year relationship with her) if I'd have him back. His words were "she's 25, she can fix her life again...". At the time I had told him that I was having more fun on my own than when I was with him and that my answer was no. This was true although I still did love him. Was I wrong to say this? Should I have taken him back? During the same time he was bombarding me with emails on how “he feels things for me and that he is visiting a therapist to understand what it is that I do to him”. So, did this guy love me but then went to a shrink to cure it? Help me out here.
Now (1 year later) he got engaged to her. I’m guessing he loves her now? Maybe he’s even told her this. God knows he never told me that he loved me, though the “big feelings” he had for me. Not even once. Sure, he did say “I miss you” or “come back home quick” and other mushy stuff like that, but he never told me that he loved me. You know, I give up when it comes to the human soul and heart. Got no clue about people.
Are these actions of a person that loved/loves me? I guess not. I know. Why is it though that his engagement bothers me so? His happiness bothers me. He really seems to behave so nicely towards her, I can't explain it. He is with her the way that I wanted him to be with me. On one hand I love him so much, but at the same time he disgusts me and angers me. He has really no clue on the damage that he has caused to my life.
It's been 4 years, come on! I must snap out of this and move on. But how? I've tried to find somebody else but nobody seems to want me. Now another conference is coming up. Yep, he's going to be there and this time WITH HER. I'm going to be alone. Super-single and 32. How do I confront this? How do I handle him and this? How do I move on? How can I love again? How can I completely forget him and all these injuries
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