2nd time. Got logged out the first time and lost my post... Ok here goes again.

Jasper, my brother, got diagnosed with leukemia (AML) last year spring.
Wich was a shock because we thought it was just the flu or something.
Also AML is a form of cancer usually only adults get, with kids its almost always ALL... Also it's harder to treath then ALL. Anyways...
He went trough a couple of chemotherapy treatments and went into remission last summer.

Yay! He had to redo the year at school but they were helping him do some stuff he missed when he became sick, instead of some stuff he had already done before he got sick. This way he could do it in his own tempo... We got a permanent fosterfamily so we could finally settle down and pick our lifes back up.

However he relapsed last december... Just a few days before Christmas we heard it was back. They told us he had to have bone marrow transplant (or was it stam cell transplant? not sure...) but they leukemia had to be put back in remission first. They started new chemotherapy a few days into 2009.

A couple of weeks ago we got the horrible news... The chemo wasn't really doing anything. We were both sort of in shock I guess cause that's really bad news... chemo not working means no remission means no transplant... They talked about him like he was dead already.

They decided to put him on some kind of experimental drugs next to regular treatments, mainly because he's very young, only 13 years old...
He went back in the hospital last week and became like expected very sick. More so then during any other treatment he went trough.

He sort of ... crashed though I guess you can call it, last sundaymorning when we were visiting him. We were just watching tv, he was nodding of now and then. Monitors started beeping... They kicked us out of the room. Told us later they would talk about further treatments ... what they meant is if they would continue the treatment or not... They had to put him om breathing support. Said his body couldn't handle the heavy treatments anymore, took to much of a toll on his body, his heart couldn't cope... They said monday that they would stop the treatments, he's not strong enough... There was nothing they could do anymore

He's going to die...

It's just a matter of waiting till he... will die. And hoping he will get strong enough to come home... He knows... but I dont think he fully realises it, he's still on breathing support and sleeps most of the day.
I'm just feeling.. empty... panicking... empty... disconnected from the rest of the world that just keeps going on as if nothing is happening.. so cliché but so true... I can't imagine life without him.

He's everything I have