Quote:
Originally Posted by Berries
Thank you, everyone for all your support. It has really helped me hang on the past few days.
Therapy went well. I think we got to the bottom of some stuff. I think. I think he has more of a handle on what is going on with me now. I hope so. I am not totally sure I do.
I gave him the SI tool.
He said he did not want to put me in the hospital.
He said he would only put me in the hospital if I told him I was "unsafe".
He asked if I was at that point and asked me to tell him if I ever got to that point.
He said he would help me.
He said he would never, ever give up on me.
It released some pressure. I felt a bit of hope. I had over a whole hour of feeling a bit less crappy. It was good.
He said he would never, ever give up on me.
But just now I realized that I never said, "does that mean you won't terminate if I SI? Because I have it in writing that you will terminate if I SI"
In 2 emails he said he would terminate. The first, he said he would terminate if I cut. In the second he said by cutting I would be making the choice to terminate with him.
Did he change his mind? Does this mean if I SI, he won’t terminate now? I am confused.
But still grateful for that hour of hope.
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That is great to hear that you feel that you are making progress and dealing with some of the issues that led you to buying an SI tool and thinking of using it.
I think you are asking great questions and before you let your head take over maybe contact him or email with these questions. It sounds like you are in a really vulnerable place and need to get some clarity on what he was saying.
I hope that you will keep posting and reaching out for help both here and to people in your life. I know this sounds so cliche' but if you can stop and deal with your feelings and use some of the other methods suggested you will be able to get through it. Some times it's an hour at a time, but who cares, this is your time to get better. The more times that you do this are the more positives that you can feel good about. Write them down so that you can acknowledge yourself from: you decided to go see your therapist, that you did not cut, that you gave him the tools etc... All these things are evidence for you that you can feel good about.
