******POSSABLE TRIGGER WARNING IN THIS POST******





This is MY fear of memory.........

Not KNOWING that I have a fear of memory. If I knew I had a fear of memory, then I would have CERTAINLY addressed this issue. Supressed memories of this nature lived in my UNCONCIOUS because of all traumas I experianced before, after and during my time in service.

The fear I have experianced is total consumation of my entire body, or RIGHT BACK IN THE DAY. That statement has driven me to the point were I am WILLING to do anything, within reason.

I have one mental illness that explains everything,inwhich I believe makes myself even more succeptable to this type of flashback. I have addressed this issue and WHILE addressing this issue these totally suppressed, unconcious memories started to surface while playing X-BOX. I just thank GOD for allowing me to be ready and PLUGGED-IN to seriously intense outpatient therapy, at this time.

Now, within the last one and a half years, I have not had a major flashback, because I want to LIVE and because of all these outlets that are here for me. PC being one, inwhich I was able to write the trauma out and get some positive feedback from fellow vets, inturn, I feel saved me from having to be consumed by a past event(military related). I only shut down for three days.

As for the solution(the gift of life), I cannot put my finger on one thing, except for that one folicle of hair filled with the will to live.....and to live with PEACE.

I now, as of this post, have aquired an X-BOX. I have the same games, but thier different. Since the surfacing of this(hopefully the last)unconcious trauma, I have been speaking about it in a controlled environment with experts in the field of trauma.

To stay on topic, there are many variables that need to taken into consideration here, and to many for one post. The overall outcome of MY OWN STUDY is, YES, to relinquish the fear of memory, X-BOX and PLAYSTATION helped as ONE part of the overall treatment.




........for John.............U.S.S. COLE.......Yemen..........2000.........12APR2002-----John stepped in front of a tractor trailer on the beltway while I celebrated four years at a 12 step fellowship