Since my last post my (ex)boyfriend decided he wanted to break up with me, for the third time. Last night, in fact. This time I let him. When he started talking about being tired of relationships something in me went numb. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it (playing my part), and he said that I'd just get emotional. I told him that I wasn't feeling very emotional. We went back and forth for a few texts, in which he confessed that he sometimes finds me aggravating. That was the last straw for me. It was then that I decided that I really didn't even want to try to work it out that time. Our conversation after that (still through texting) went like this:

Me: If you want to break up with me just do it.
(five minute pause)
J: I don't want to hurt you.
Me: That's stupid.
J: Why
Me: Because I just told you to break up with me if you really want to.
(another long pause)
J: Can I call you
Me: I guess.

And, no, he does not use punctuation. What we talked about during the call was mostly me telling him that I wasn't going to fight him anymore about this, and he just needed to break up with me if that's what he wanted to do. In the end he said "I guess I want to break up then." and he drew out the conversation even longer in an effort to preserve the friendship. He told me I could call or text him any time. I told him I wouldn't.

Today I'm feeling a lot better. I will admit that I cried last night, but not nearly as much as I have because of past breakups. I am also happy to say that my self esteem hasn't been left in ruins. Actually, I feel better than I have in a while. A pressure I wasn't even aware of to be a certain way for him, and like certain people for him has been lifted. I also know that I have not lost a friend in this. The best thing about this is that I know I did everything I could for him, and I have no guilt over being a "bad girlfriend" or this being my fault in any way. I'm done holding his hand and walking him through a relationship that he doesn't want to be in.

One thing he said did upset me though, "Someday you'll find someone who loves you for you." The thing that bothered me about it was not only that it was a classic recycled breakup line, but also because there really isn't anyone who knows me well. I don't let people in enough for that.

That's the latest of my life. Other big-ish things happened earlier that day, but I don't feel inclined to post them right now.