Hello,

first thing that came to my mind when reading the opener was: why asking other people and not the husband at hand?

I live in central Europe, and maybe there is a cultural difference in seeing sexual issues and coping with them, another sight that probably might be of some help.

The question why a hubby has a sex-life of its own, alone and not with his wife can have several answers, and not all of them indicate serious relationship or sex problems. Accepting that men - as women alike - do have a private sphere, even in a relationship or marriage, is a more custom thing here in Europe than in anglo-saxon/american culture, as I see it.

Nobody expects to be the all-and-everything for his/her partner. Which includes that a wife can give herself a little secret pleasure if she likes to, or that a husband is allowed to masturbate alone if he wants to. No one would consider this automatically a threat to love, marriage or relationship. As long as there are not other signals that the partnership is getting loose.

One of those signals is avoiding to talk about the status quo of the marriage or relationship. Becoming unable to talk about sexual issues, especially a change of needs, fantasies and desires can be an important indicator of a growing estrangement between partners.

But becoming intrusive or spyful will in most cases only bring up or enhance a conflict.

Asking why means to express that one does not understand. Learning and understanding can grow only in dialogue without pressurizing with expectations like "I want you to stop that". Partnership is not a give and take of orders, at least as I see it. Telling "I don't understand why you do that" opens a door for a confidential sharing of what actually is up.

In cases like that, when interests conflict, there will be no satisfactory solution if only one side is accounted for.

Remember both your age. The coming of age when children are grown up brings its changes, to female sexuality as well as to men's. You have the choice to adapt to this change together as a couple, or separate, everyone on his own ways.

Just my opinion, don't want to offend anyone.

With kind regards,
bluenarciss