Well I saw my T. It was different. I was a bit nervous we chatted about work etc.. and then asked how things were going. I talked about shutting down last session and that I had a hard time writing down my thoughts and feelings. Well we touched on some other things and it was brought up that I censor my thoughts and feelings during therapy. I thought Well of course! My brain get muddled sometimes in therapy I guess I am worried about telling my true thoughts. My T thinks that I might be depressed. Of course I said No way.
After leaving I thought about my session and I have come to the realization I don't trust my T with my thoughts and how I really feel. I am very guarded. So I think that I might have to write this down so that next time I can tell my T my true thoughts about therapy and not start putting up those walls and get all muddled and unable to complete my thoughts. I did have a scare when my T asked if I should change my schedule from once a week to every other week. My first thought was oh my t wants to dump me becasue I am frustrating to work with. I really didn't anwer and finally said what do you think. My T's answer was once a week. I was relieved but those doubts about dumping were still there. I know that before I go on with this therapy I need to come clean about my inablility to trust and that I need some guidance (strong) to get me to open up and feel free to express my thoughts struggles and feelings. I don't know how long it will take me to really be able to open up and trust my T. I need to do that. I think it is so hard! Any advice?