((((((((((((((((((del12)))))))))))))))))))))))

It's so hard, isn't it? Like I said in LLT's thread, it was a rupture with T that made me really go in there and express some feelings for the first time. I had sort of reported on some things, like "this happened to me, that happened to me" but really, just REPORTED, no feelings involved whatsoever. It wasn't until I was so angry and hurt after one session that I showed him how I was feeling, and that sort of paved the way for more feelings later on. MOST of my feelings, especially early in therapy, were about the T relationship...and I just forced myself to be completely honest about everything.

I was so worried about being judged. I had spent my whole life putting on this "show" and was really KNOWN by everyone I know as this person who had it all together, who could handle any amount of stress with a smile, etc....when inside, I was falling apart. I finally showed some of that inside to T - but for months and months I made a big point of telling him "this is NOT how I am outside of therapy". I was so worried he thought I was out there in the world being this big pile of needs and feelings.

Now I DO express my needs and feelings outside of the room, quite a bit more than I used to. When my friend just died, I cried in front of other people, I told another friend I needed him to hold my hand for the funeral...I didn't try to act "Okay" - and what I got in return was love, and my needs met, and no judgement whatsoever. I learned in T that that was possible.

SO. I guess where I am going with this babbling is that I started right where you are....and no matter how uncomfortable it made me, I was honest with T about everything - how hard it was to open up, how I would never cry (ha!), that I didn't have feelings, etc. I don't even know how it happened, but somehow, slowly, just by talking about that stuff, other things came up, feelings followed, and I started to change inside. I still have a lot of work to do, but I do feel more hopeful now (most of the time)

I think you are on the right track...and yeah, it IS hard, really, ridiculously hard. But it is worth it, I think