Hey all. I've been browsing around on here for sometime now and decided to finally take the time to post about some of the problems I am dealing with to see what you all think. After doing a lot of research it seems to me that I might have BPD, however being a college student paying his own way through college I can't afford to actually go see a specialist to get their opinion so I thought it would just be nice to see what others would say.

I'm currently a sophomore in college and have a realitively good life. However, about a year ago, I started to feel as if I wasn't being myself. I seem to have developed different ways of acting around different people (which usually changes based on the day or who I am around at the moment). The only time I am really "myself" is when I am in a very deep and usually emotional conversation with someone in private. Because of this, there are numerous problems with my friendships and I feel as if I am lieing to them about who I really am and its not fair that they don't know the real me. I sometimes get to the point where I don't really know who the "real me" is anymore which leads to anxiety and severe depression.

I am also very insecure about my friendships/relationships and have a tendency to open up too much to people. I believe most of this insecurity stems from a past relationship I had in which I had invested a lot and ended up breaking down due to lies she had been telling me. I am always worried that when I open up to someone, their view of me will change which will lead to our friendship/relationship changing for the worse and this constantly gets in the way and ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy and things end up going south because I feel a need to ask, almost daily or weekly if things are ok between us and their view of me hasn't changed. This may lead to my friendships/relationships failing because they may get annoyed with me asking or their views may very well have changed but either way things usually go south.

I also have an extreme problem with abandonment issues (or what I would consider abandonment, please correct me if this isn't the correct term for it). I find myself doubting that people really want to be friends with me or want to talk with me etc. For example, if I am talking with someone and then they don't return a call or suddenly stop a conversation short without explaining why. Immediatly, it comes to mind that this person is trying to avoid me or doesn't want to be associated with me which I realize almost all times is not the case and it may just be that they are busy doing something. However, none the less I still feel this way everytime and the questioning of a friendship/relationship really leads to problems for obvious reasons.

I also had problems with suicide after the relationship I mentioned earlier that ended due to several lies that had been told. I don't deal with it really anymore but I think it is still important to mention.

I realize this is extremely long and I apologize for that and I would like to thank you for taking the time to read through this.