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As I child I spent a lot of time in the hospital from the time I was a baby until I was about 11. I had a lot of invasive procedures, 2 surgeries and I still feel like I have never dealt with those issues. I am almost 30 now and I know that they are doing all this research on child cancer survivors but I don't know if it is just cancer that qualifies as a traumatic childhood illness? I didn't get any counseling then and I remember some really terrifying things and just wishing I would die so I didn't have to go through it anymore. I was never one of those fighters that wanted to get better, I just gave up then quite honestly. There is one procedure I had done called a voiding cystogram that I recently read they now hypnotize children for. They also go to counseling before and after if they do it at all because it is so invasive. I had 3 that I remember and I was fully conscious.
The biggest thing I took from it was shame and embarrassment that I think I always feel about everything. I can almost attribute it to one event although I had several screwed up things happen to me in the hospital. Would this be some form of PTSD? I'm bipolar and in treatment for that but no one wants to deal with how I got that way but I want answers and some sort peace with my past. My doctors are only concerned about me staying in treatment now and looking to the future but I still need some sort of validation or something that other people in the same situations feel like I do. I am 100% sure the two things maybe not the bipolarness but definitely my behaviors, my screwed up death wish, my hatred of childhood and children, my avoidance of anything medical and perfectionism are somehow related to these years of my life. Why doesn't it matter to my doctors and why can't anyone help me get past it. I've never looked to the future... I can't stop trying to get over the past. I wasn't beaten or molested as a child nor was I in Cambodia or anything but for me in my life that I knew... it was pretty f-ed up. No other person I know now can even relate to it if I were to talk about it.
I guess I'm trying to put some pieces together and I'm wondering if PTSD is partly some of my problem.
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