I had a weird problem in therapy yesterday, and I am not sure I can explain it. But I will try.

Last week, while my t was away in Argentina, I had my birthday. I don't do anything to celebrate my birthday, but t wanted to do something. So when I came for my session yesterday, she gave me a cup of herbal tea and set out a few chocolates on the table in front of me. She said, "I know you don't do anything to celebrate your birthday, so this can be a celebration of reconnecting again. It can be anything you want it to be."

I felt so grateful to her for being so nice. But since she was gone and I hadn't seen her for 3 weeks, I felt disconnected. I couldn't "feel" the celebration or the connection with her. I knew that I was in my armor, the way I get when the break between us gets too long. It's not like I was angry at her for leaving, or anything like that. But if at some point when she is gone, I feel that oh so dreaded separation pain (the feeling of missing her), then I go numb and into my armor so as not to feel it. It reminds me of too many other painful events of leaving and loss by others through the years. I'm afraid to feel what her vacations bring up for me.

So yesterday, I could not take down the armor to show the vulnerable side of me. I could not tell her I had missed her or let any of the painful feelings out that were built up in me that I pushed away (or the happy feelings that she was back). Before I left my session, I told her I felt kind of distant and it made me feel back because I don't want to be this way. Then she said something reassuring and directed it to the child part of me. I can't remember it now.

So today, I am feeling sad because my t did a nice thing for me but I could not feel it inside. I still feel like I am in my armor and disconnected, and I don't want to go another week feeling this way.

Do you think it would be wrong for me to ask my t if we can re-do our celebration next week? If she could get me a cup of tea again, and I would take the few chocolates that she gave me and bring them back in next week so we could do it over? I just feel like I missed out on something i really wanted and needed because i was too disconnected.

If I asked her, would it make me seem too demanding or entitled?