Hi Chaotic. The above things really stuck out for me in your post. I can relate to feeling that way a lot over the years.

But... is it really 'stupid'?? I am not sure what your 'it' is, but if we remember that we are literally created out of our experiences in that our brains develop and form based on the experiences we have, then I am not so sure that reactions based upon or related to our past events can be labelled as 'stupid'. Those reactions - whether we like it or not - are a part of us. The experiences we had as children, particularly as very young children, were what formed our neural pathways. So, in many ways, our brains are wired to respond the way they do. I am not so sure that we have too much control over how our brains respond to triggering or sensitive stimuli until we work with the material in therapy and actively seek to understand and deactivate it.

I guess we are all pretty good and stuffing and avoiding and pretending that 'it' no longer affects us, but it never seems to be quite true, does it? Just when we think we've got it all under control something comes along that triggers it all up again.

Our personal 'its' are part of our development, our histories, and our every day lives. We can't escape them. They are ingrained into our neural pathways as much as knowing how to walk, or read, or button up our shirts. We can pretend 'it' never happened or that 'it' doesn't matter, but it did, and it does, and it will continue to affect us when we least suspect it until we actively work to change it.

From that perspective, although I know you feel stupid about not being able to control your reactions, I hope you can know that you are not.