My husband is wonderful. And I am extremely lucky for that.

The major part of my pain is that this isn't even close to the first time she has lied, but this is, perhaps, the biggest lie. She's a very hurtful person and the email I pasted is a very good sampling of how she talked to and treated me for much of my life. Constant threats, constant guilt and constant reversal of the truth. Unfortunately, I have always sought approval from her which I will never receive. Its something I work on constantly with my pdoc, but cannot yet seem to accept.

And my mom wasn't young when she had me, or at least not overly young. She was almost 21 years old. And while there surely are some circumstances around this that she doesn't want to share, for whatever reason, I believe it is my right to know. She has never held back from telling me other "bad" things, so its a matter of her trying to control me as usual by not telling me about this now. Honestly, the betrayal of having a father (good or bad) ALIVE my whole life, yet never knowing is something that I can't even begin to cope with. My emotional stability on a super good day is tenuous at best. Right now its like my brain is barely functioning. All day I just blared the radio and cleaned (something I do when I am frantic). It keeps my brain drowned out so that my thoughts don't consume me.

Thank you all for listening to me. It means a lot. I've been a member of this forum for years, but mostly just read. Thank you very much for being here for me.