Quote:
Originally Posted by perpetuallysad
Don't feel alone. I've never been able to keep a job either. The only time I kept a job for a significant amount of time was at a grocery store when I was in high school. I did, though, manage to get through my bachelor's degree and graduated with honors. Of course, this is useless if you are unable to function properly around "normal" people. I've only been asked to leave one job and it was heartbreaking for me. My supervisor understood, but it was a big corporation and I didn't fit in the round peg hole that they had for each of us. Anyhow, right now I am not working and for the time being I have quit torturing myself by trying. (Not that I've given up, I just can't handle it right now.) Luckily, my husband is understanding. He doesn't really understand mental illness, but he loves the hell out of me and just copes with whatever I throw at him. (No, he's not for sale!) But we could use more money, but who couldn't use more money? We deal with it without the extra income and its hard, but its way easier emotionally on me than being at a job where I feel soooo, you know, weird or whatever I am. I have my social security app all filled out online, but I am terrified to submit it. My pdoc is in full support and I have 4 years of monthly documentation of a very hard to treat bipolar (among other things). But one of my outright terrors is authority figures, so the whole concept of having to meet with the ss people is in itself horrifying for me. Anyhow, I am sorry I made this all about myself. I guess I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I think its hard for a lot of bp people to maintain a "normal" type job.  |
Oh my god! I have a problem with authority figures too! I get very anxious around them. As a matter of fact, when I went in for my SSI hearing, the judge intimidated me so much that I couldnt even speak. I couldn't even get a word out. I believe that partly because of this I wasn't approved for it. An Allsup rep was there with me but she barely spoke herself and did not defend my disability well enough.
I am like you. I would always be comparing myself to others that I worked with. I would get depressed because even the fresh out of college kids were not only making more money than me, but doing a far better job at retaining what we were trained to do. I felt so inferior! I've had maybe two really good jobs that paid really well. One of them I got let go from, which was really devastating for me. The other I got laid off from. My husband HAS NOT been very supporting at all. I feel so to blame for the way that I am. We even lost our first house back in 2003 because I couldn't hold a job. I know and feel my husband resents me for it. We have a 9 year old that I am ashamed that I am setting a bad example for. I tried to kill myself earlier this year because of all the guilt and shame. Nothing has changed though. Again, we face losing yet another house. Yet again, being diagnosed with bipolar, I feel I am to blame. If only Social Security hadn't turned me down for a third time we would at least have some more income coming in!! Sorry for being such a whiny baby.