This is something I posted on the psychotherapy board, but in the middle of posting, I thought maybe I should post here instead. Please forgive me - I haven't been able to come to this board for a while....I thought that coming here was somehow triggering my dissociation, but obviously, I was wrong. So, I feel kind of guilty for posting, but I really need help

Okay, here is the post:

My last couple of sessions with T have been....unreal ( I can't think of a better word). I absolutely dissociate and do not remember about 90% of the session. I remember snippets - asking him to hold my hand to keep me there (he held it, it didn't work), asking him to tell me something, ANYTHING from the real world (he told me what he had for breakfast). I zone in and out. I know I am telling him things because I brought in something today that I wrote and he said "you told me this story on Monday - do you remember telling me?". NO. I DO NOT REMEMBER TELLING HIM. And I wonder what else I am telling him that I don't know about, but I don't want him to tell me.

He left me a very loving, very reassuring message about how brave I am being (how am I being brave if I am NOT EVEN THERE?) and he said that he and I need to work together to figure out how to slow things down so I can stay in the room and connect with what is going on. (I should probably be posting this on the DID board,and maybe I will,are we allowed to double post??). Anyhow, I don't know how to slow things down. I don't even know I'm there. Argh.

At the end of session today, I DO remember getting present and being positive I was going to throw up. The room was spinning and everything looked tippy, like a Dr. Suess book or something. I was willing to do ANYTHING to make it stop (I'm usually stubborn if he tells me to change how I'm sitting). He told me to sit next to him on the couch, shoulder to shoulder, and we would both put our feet on the floor. I am small, so I had to be on the edge of the couch so my feet would reach the floor and it almost made it worse. I don't remember what happened next, but then we were standing and the room was tipping like a boat or something. He held on to me. I thought I was having a stroke or something. Somehow, somehow he made it all stop and I managed to leave AND DRIVE, which seems unbelievable to me now.

ANYHOW, my point in all of this babbbling, is HOW do I slow it down? Little me is screaming at me in my head because she wants to talk, I am using all of my energy to keep her quiet, and somewhere in that battle, I disappear.

Has anyone been through anything remotely like this? Just typing about it is making my head hurt and making me nauseous.

ANY ideas? I'll try anything, literally.