Some of you know who I am, I've been a member for a few years. I had another name at one time.

Anyway, there has been so much I've been needing to release to people who won't judge me, but I have been nervous ever since my ex came across this website and printed very secretive things I never meant for him to see. Pretty messed up, I know.

Briefly, I am still seperated from my ex and still living with my boyfriend who was once my best friends husband. Their in the process of divorce. I have my 4 and 5 year olds half of the time. For the most part my ex and I are pretty decent when it comes to the children. We both agree that it's about them now and no longer about the two of us. Thank gah too, because it was an ugly split up with a lot of drama and pain. We're finally at peace.

I've been living with my now boyfriend for about 8 months now. I love him BUT....(there comes that stupid "BUT" again) he's not everything I thought he was originally. I am a fool everytime. Why?

I love him, I really do. He's fun, sexy, random, crazy...everything I wanted. Of course, the other side was recently revealed to me though. He has a deep pitted ball of anger and hatred I never even suspected he had. He sometimes pulls the same **** my ex does and makes me feel guilty and "bad" for being some certain way. I learned this in the worse of ways too, with a deck to my face while I was driving down the highway. I nearly ran my car off the road. I'm still sporting a shiner from that, so it's still fresh in my mind. How I've thought of him has changed and I feel kinda betrayed. I thought he'd never hurt me like my ex did, instead he hurt me worse. Not even my ex would have decked me in the face like that, he would have decked me in the arms or legs instead.

Than to make it worse (after all it was Valentines day), the next day he told me he didn't love me and that I was a horrible woman, horrible like his adultrous, abusive, alcoholic wife. Which, btw, I am not even close to any of those.

All I keep doing to myself is making these mistakes over and over. I am NOT a bad woman, I am for the most part a very loving and caring woman. I try..... What the **** else am I supposed to do? Yield myself, allow these men to mold who I am or who I am supposed to be? Nobody will ever love me for me and in this I am beginning to lose myself, I forget who I am anymore.

Sorry so looooooooong, but it's been a while.