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you are coming out of dissociation, only to float in and out of it much of the day? today was like that for me. during the times i would wake up so to speak i would find myself talking on the phone with someone about a test i need to take before i go see my neurologist...she asked me why i needed it done before the date i had told her in a voicemail, and i said because my neurologist needs it by then. i have no clue how long i had been talking to her, or what was said prior to coming back to the ground, nor do i recollect leaving the ground again to be gone for another extended time period. This has frightened me quite badly, and i feel like i am losing touch with reality. i know that abbi has been gone for quite a bit of time, all due to the canary issue, but i don't know why she was so emotional over a bird...of course she had no idea i went back to the breeder who gave me both a female and a male bird so that we could have babies and sell them back to him at the appropriate time. she has been gone again after talking to sas last night, so she still doesn't know we have more canaries. i feel like i am having a total breakdown and don't know what to do about it. i can't even remember being out too much in the last 3 or 4 days and i do not know why. the times i am out are filled with panic attacks, migraines that last for more than a day, and lots of body pain. i do know that there is a severe stenosis in my back, which is where the pain is radiating from, at least that is what the pain dr thinks...so in the next few weeks i will be seeing him for a "walking epidural" to see if he can shut the pain off for a while to let that place rest. it is at the T12 L1 space. i know that that spot is highly painful, and don't know if the treatment will work. but i don't know what, if anything, he would be able to do should that not work. right now i am scared that it is going to require surgery, since the stenosis is quite a big blockage. and i am scared that it won't be able to be fixed. i already take enough pain meds to put a horse down...15 mg of morphine sulfate 3 times a day, Lyrica 150 mg 4 times a day, zanaflex 4 mg 3 times a day, Flexeril 10 mg at bedtime, and Xanax as needed for anxiety, along with all my other meds. i am afraid that the pain will just continue to get worse, which makes me want to stay inside and never come out again. i was hoping that sas would be here tonight (her tomorrow morning) so i could talk to her. but that was not to be i guess. if ever there was a time that i need help, it is now. hugs, prayers, more hugs, anything that you can think of that you would need should you be in my shoes would be most welcome. i don't usually come out here and talk, because i told abbi i would not take time from her by asking for help. but i think we all need a lot right now, and just don't know where to turn or what to do.
thanks for listening. i don't expect you to understand. i just needed to tell you what was going on so you could pray for us.
yahna sometimes host and 53 years young, with a LOT of physical and emotional issues that are tearing me up inside and out and i haven't a clue how or what to do except come here and hope that someone is willing to talk without hurting abbi's chances of being heard here too. she is my lifesaver, after all. she is out way more than she needs to be, and all because i have come to a place in my therapy that is way more than i can handle.
thanks again.
yahna
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True love exists when we lose ourselves to invest in the care of others.
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