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silentandscared · Feb 21, 2009, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jewels

you are coming out of dissociation, only to float in and out of it much of the day? today was like that for me. during the times i would wake up so to speak i would find myself talking on the phone with someone about a test i need to take before i go see my neurologist...she asked me why i needed it done before the date i had told her in a voicemail, and i said because my neurologist needs it by then. i have no clue how long i had been talking to her, or what was said prior to coming back to the ground, nor do i recollect leaving the ground again to be gone for another extended time period. This has frightened me quite badly, and i feel like i am losing touch with reality. i know that abbi has been gone for quite a bit of time, all due to the canary issue, but i don't know why she was so emotional over a bird...of course she had no idea i went back to the breeder who gave me both a female and a male bird so that we could have babies and sell them back to him at the appropriate time. she has been gone again after talking to sas last night, so she still doesn't know we have more canaries. i feel like i am having a total breakdown and don't know what to do about it. i can't even remember being out too much in the last 3 or 4 days and i do not know why. the times i am out are filled with panic attacks, migraines that last for more than a day, and lots of body pain. i do know that there is a severe stenosis in my back, which is where the pain is radiating from, at least that is what the pain dr thinks...so in the next few weeks i will be seeing him for a "walking epidural" to see if he can shut the pain off for a while to let that place rest. it is at the T12 L1 space. i know that that spot is highly painful, and don't know if the treatment will work. but i don't know what, if anything, he would be able to do should that not work. right now i am scared that it is going to require surgery, since the stenosis is quite a big blockage. and i am scared that it won't be able to be fixed. i already take enough pain meds to put a horse down...15 mg of morphine sulfate 3 times a day, Lyrica 150 mg 4 times a day, zanaflex 4 mg 3 times a day, Flexeril 10 mg at bedtime, and Xanax as needed for anxiety, along with all my other meds. i am afraid that the pain will just continue to get worse, which makes me want to stay inside and never come out again. i was hoping that sas would be here tonight (her tomorrow morning) so i could talk to her. but that was not to be i guess. if ever there was a time that i need help, it is now. hugs, prayers, more hugs, anything that you can think of that you would need should you be in my shoes would be most welcome. i don't usually come out here and talk, because i told abbi i would not take time from her by asking for help. but i think we all need a lot right now, and just don't know where to turn or what to do.
thanks for listening. i don't expect you to understand. i just needed to tell you what was going on so you could pray for us.
yahna sometimes host and 53 years young, with a LOT of physical and emotional issues that are tearing me up inside and out and i haven't a clue how or what to do except come here and hope that someone is willing to talk without hurting abbi's chances of being heard here too. she is my lifesaver, after all. she is out way more than she needs to be, and all because i have come to a place in my therapy that is way more than i can handle.
thanks again.
yahna

Hi Yahna

Sorry that l was not around first thing the morning when you posted this plea for help........i'm saddened to here about your constant battle with pain management and l hope the walking epidural will provide you with some much needed relief. Its so good that you have come here for support during a very hard phase for you all..... l am sure that Abbi will be glad to know that you are here and are recognising the need for help. I spoke with Abbi for a long time on Thursday night and you are right that there is more to her disappearance than just the canary dying..... we were hoping that we had convinced her to return home to you all where you would all be waiting with open arms. Abbi at present feeld bad for the very strong reaction that she has had following the death of the canary and she doesnt understand why... which scares her some. Abbi is also worrying that she has let everyone down and is very concerned about you Yahna.....corncerned that you are away and worried that you need some help. I am always here and would always be willing to help in any way that l could .... sending all details to you in pm as Abbi already has them so they should be on your computer already hun......

Yahna dont feel bad about drifting in and out and floating around when things are bad for us we too have these for days at a time and also feel that once away we want to stay away................ your system has many many strengths hun and you an do this but maybe the physical is stopping you from 'staying'..............try to keep coming to talk we are all here for you as we are for any of the system that feel the need to come to talk
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Yahna and all system }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

take good care all of you .........come and talk again soon

Mandyxx

safe and gentle hugs