"I have this huge, huge fear that if I open up and share these secrets I will be worse off, that I will end up losing control, or being crazy. My defense mechanisms have worked so well for so long and they still do in a sense. Yet, I am also beginning to realize that they cause me to keep people out, and I want to be able to connect more with people, more than surface level. I never thought it would be so difficult to attempt to heal."

Hanginon,
This is intense high level thinking. I sure hope you explore this more, because you've come up with one of those "lightbulb" moments that I am so glad you shared with us. Yes, we have evolved all kinds of defense mechanisms, and they may work at the same time they hurt us. I just really wanted to thank you for sharing this last part, because I think you said it so well, and it's how a lot of us feel. And please share more revelations with us as you progress on this path. I learned so much about myself just in reading the paragraph you wrote .
Kittykins