actually i do think you were serious about your previous post. there is hope, DBS, and with help from a T you can move on to a better and happier life. i hope you will reconsider this post. i feel your heart was talking to us in the first post. we care about you  and you do matter. 
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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