i was abused by my ex-spouse (#2), mel. i can totally understand your confusion about "self". the abuser takes away our "self" and thus controls who we think we are.
are you getting help from a therapist? i also used a support group and both made an incredible impact on my finding 'self' again. i am no longer a POW. i know who and what i am. i have become empowered with my own truths. feel free to pm me if you want to chat. you can move beyond this place you are in now. there is a new life awaiting you.  please know i care and understand your pain and hurt.  there is hope. that i can assure you. 
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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