((((((((((OB)))))))))))
i totally understand how you feel. my mother had breast cancer at age 60 that mestasized to her liver and bones. her death was not pretty either. my one word description of it would be the word violent. at one point we had to go out in the yard, taking turns doing this-my sisters and me. one feels powerless over the situation. and we are powerless over death. and it hurts to know our very special mother did not die peacefully or painlessly.
thank you for the courage to share this with us about your mom and you. i can't recall if you see a t but i strongly urge you to talk with someone. someone that can help you put the pain, loss and grief in perspective. the pain will be there but it helps to have a supportive irl person to talk to.
my father who i adored dropped dead before me at age 45. i will never forget that event either. my brother told me to run get a blanket. he was doing cpr on my father at the time. when i went to put the blanket on my father i told myself, don't look at his face, but i did anyway. it was not a sight i feel i should describe here. he had been sick with heart disease since he was 35 and at age 40 they said he had at the most 5 years to live. he loved life so much....he lived exactly 5 years after that death foretelling. i am still saddened by telling this to you. i miss him and my mom every day. some of us have felt tremendous loss many times over in such a short time. just know that i care about you and will keep you in my prayers daily, jme. i will ask that your soul be relieved of torment and pain. i will ask for you to find some peace in all this.