I'm 40 years old, female, single, never married, no kids

Even though I was molested when I was 15 yrs old, it destroyed a part of my life that I'll never get back, ever. I'm not *****ing but at this age, it has got to be acknowledged. Family & Friends make assumptions and have their own ideas about why I made the choices I made...but I know why.

I think there are millions like me. I didn't have money or insurance for therapy/meds to get over my issues. I never met anyone/partner who wanted to go slow/could understand/wanted to deal with my problems with intimacy. I tried to heal on my own: went on dates, had a few affairs in my 20s (well, just one), I read books, watched movies, volunteered for college studies to get free psyche care but ... it was just so easy to not have sex, to be a coward, to make excuses (fear of STDs/pregnancies/date rape/cheaters)....

I don't know. I feel just in shock, that something that happened so long ago could so devastate and alter my life for all time.

I'm just rambling, feeling alone and sad.

I would say I'm a cautionary tale. If you get so used to hiding and saying "no" and being afraid to connect- you lose the ability to be seen and worse, you lose the desire to want to be seen. You tell yourself that it's safer to be alone or that you don't deserve to be loved or that sex is dirty/bad , basically you lose all perspective. And after 15 to 20 years of avoidance, you're ****ed. Yeah, it's an ironic pun.

I didn't fight back when I was molested and even worse, I never fought to reclaim my sexuality. I'm so very disappointed in myself. I get depressed now and I'm never exactly sure why anymore. It's becauise I have so many reasons to hate myself. And being celibate is one of them.

Disclaimer: I know some people choose celibacy for spiritual, health, or other reasons. That's cool. To each his/her own. But I understand that my celibacy was for the wrong reasons.