Good Afternoon all-

I am in an extremely difficult situation and require any help I can get.
A little history. I am a male in my early 30's. I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been completely sober for about 20 months. I've seen a wonderful psycologist about once a month who has helped me a tremendous amount. I consider myself successful, but as everyone does, I struggle with a few things. I had back surgury a year ago and had tremendous pain. Nothing would really help and I was taking too many pain meds. This is now remedied as I am on Suboxone. Not only does it work great with stopping pain meds, but it has almost eliminated my pain. Other daily medications that I'm on are Baclofen (anxiety), Prozac (40mg/day), Vyvanse (50mg/day - still my 1st week), and a multi-vitamin. I cannot say enough good things about Suboxone and would highly reccomend it. This is my first week of Vyvanse and I see a change, but we'll see.
I got married last July to a wonderful girl. She is 25, beautyful, high acheiver, and smart. Her biological father had substance issues with alcohol and many other drugs. He left the family when she was extremely young and even though sober now; is in bad health. Her mother is wonderful. She has allowed her father back into her life, but still is angry.
As you may can assume, we are like oil and water. I am an extremely caring person and alway try to put others before myself. She is very blunt and says exactly what is on her mind - like it or not becaue it's "the truth."

About 2 years ago, we made the choise to live together. She had an apartment and lived only with a dog and I had a duplex owned by my family. It's old, but my father hoas some money and to help us get started, asked that we only pay $300 / month rent and that we could stay as long as possible. What a great situation! After living there a couple of months, she decided to pursue her dream of becoming a teacher. She had already graduated from college, but wasn't happy with what she was doing. Because I would do anything for her to be happy and that I try to live by the golden rule (i don't try that hard i guess,) we decided to do it. As of now, she has about 11 months of school left until she has a teaching degree. She is taking as many hours as possible and is working as a teacher's aid to pay for it plus a bit more. The amount that she makes goes straight to saving. I work in information technology and make a fair amount. Thats what we live off of.

Enough with history - Here's why I'm writing:

She is not happy at all! She hates the duplex that we live in. We have been trying to find a house to move to, but she says that we cannot afford it. I know that we can, but we will have to give up a few things. I don't make a ton, but am doing all i can. She is extremely hard on herself and says that she's a failure. We've stepped foot in over 150 houses with an agent that we are taking advantage of. Most nights, we sit there while she yells and screams at me about how I need to get my "*** in gear" and get a better job to support my family. She said I promised her mother that I always would and I don't. I have redone my resume and am activly looking, but am convinced that no looking would be enough for her. She says that we live in a "hellhole." I have let her take complete ownership of the duplex and she gets to design whatever she wants. Night after night she yells at me and tells me the above and I calmly explain my points, then spend the rest of the time trying to calm her down. Sometimes it lasts hours before she gets so upset that she cannot breathe and I hold her and rock her and humm to her until she's okay again. Her fear since we got married is that someday I will leave her. She is convinced of it and you cannot change her mind. She said "my father did and I know that one day you will. One day, I'll wake up / come home and you'll be gone and never come back." We don't have children, but she says that I'd "make a horrible parent because I only care about myself" and that I'd leave them too. The reason that she says this (she's told me) is because she's protecting herself so she won't be hurt too badly when it happens. She refuses help of any kind. Big or small. I tried to get her to ask a friend about a joib and she said that "I've always done things 100% myself and refuse to get help from anyone else." You can only imagine what she said when I suggested counciling.
Now, she's either like the above, or totally nice. No one else sees her "other" side except me so they really don't get it. She is a big sister at BBBS and does a fantastic job. I actually applied there friday to be a big brother, but upon telling her about it, she said that I "couldn't because I can't even take care of my own self - let alone a child. I need to grow up first." Speaking of growing up, the only way she thinks we can afford a house is if I "get off my lazy *** and find a job that pays me what I'm worth." I have given up all things that I like to do to try to make her happy.
A couple of days ago was my birthday. Without saying a word, she left in the morning for about an hour. She came home with some sweats and a present that I really wanted. She said "it's your birthday - you can do whatever you want." She asked if we could go look at some townhomes. We did and then ate lunch. I wasn't feeling well, so I said that I was going to go home and lay down for about 15 minutes. She brought up her phrase that "napping is for lazy people and that it's not good for anything anytime." I did for 30 minutes anyways. She left to drive around and look at more houses.

Quick note - For the past two weeks, she has been a lot worse than normal. She's always mad about everything, crying, yelling, and upset to the point where she doesn't even hardly talk to me. When I see her after work in the afternoon, I run up to her and kiss her, hug her, etc. I tell her many times a day how beautyful she is and smart... She just says "no im not" and never says it to me.

So she arrived home at about 5:00 and asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I knew that I had options, but since I hadn't even seen her smile in a couple weeks, I asked if we could go ice skating. When we were dating, she said that she always wanted to go, but it was closed every time we tried. I checked and they were open and it was cheap. She asked why - she said I could pick anything - why this? I said for my birthday, I wanted her to be happy for a couple hours.

4-5 hours later, I was holding, rocking, and humming in her ear to calm her back down again. at 11:45pm, I said that I still have 15 minutes of my birthday left - can we please end the day smiling. We went to sleep and started it all over again the next day.

Now I've had a lot of strugles in my life, but I don't know what to do now. Yes, I could leave her and be happy not having to worry, but that's the easy way out. I love her very much and want to help her. I simply don't know how. I'm very sorry for the rambling, but any suggestions would be appreciated. I'm open to anything. If you took the time to read this, then thank you for your time. Have a great day -