he told me to stop playing games... i dont think i am im just so damn undicieded about the whole thing im just floating in limbo... i have a good friend here who is willing to take me to the city for an abortion or if i diciede to go through with the pregnancy he said i could call him at all hours of the night if i needed something.... but all i can see is that my friend here would be more of a father to the child than the actual father. on the other hand my friend offered to stay with me last night or to have me come and stay with him at his place because ive started cutting again... my guy friend im gonna call him 'N' he told me to just do the abortion because hes worried about my well being at the moment, he knows im stressed and he knows im scared... and when these two things mix i cut.... i tried to tell my boyfriend this im going to call him 'J'... so I texted 'J' after we had talked i told him i cant keep doing this becasue it will kill me, i told him i cant stop myself anymore... he texts back what? and i told him cutting then he replies 'Im going to bed' that hurt because to me it seems like he sees me as a disposable thing just an object to be thrown away. I understand that it is his child but at the moment this child is a health risk for me... I want him to understand that before i go do anything.
i ended up asking 'N' to take me to the city lastnight i told him i want to do this thing this week and he said he would take my up friday and in the mean time im going to be staying with him just so he as he puts it 'can keep an eye on me'
i know 'J' doesnt mean to be harsh or anything i know that he loves me but he also believes that abortion is wrong well now he does since it comes down to his own child. for the first time he has made me cry... i guess this is the big test to see if we can work through this and still be strong.