It's been, I think, a couple of months since I last cut myself, and I've been refraining from it recently, partly because I hate having fresh cuts/scars on my thighs during the summer, partly because I have a physical coming up in a couple of weeks and I don't want the doc to see any fresh cuts/scars, and partly because I really want to stop wanting it. I used to be able to wear short shorts in the summer and not be so paranoid about whether or not others can see any scars on my legs and see what I've done to myself, but not anymore. I want to be able to just be content with life without wanting to harm myself in order to be "happy" and stay in control. Though the darker side of me feels that regaining control over myself through cutting is extremely appealing and comforting and longs for it often, the better, and steadily growing stronger, side of me knows that when I can control my urges and stay in control of myself, while at the same time let go of control, I am much happier, and I'm able to grow stronger. Sometimes, I want it so badly, and will just stare at my razor longingly, trying to give myself a reason, any reason, to do it, half of me hoping that I will just pick up that razor and cut, the other half trying desperately to hold on to my senses, keep my control over my need for control. It used to be that I did it to remain in control, while now it's the opposite; I must refrain from doing it in order to remain in control. I'm trying to stay away from the darker, tantalizing side of me, and though it continues to taunt and beg, I've still managed to stay in the light, and I feel stronger. I want to just throw away the razor, but I'm worried I might need it again later, but I don't want to need it again later... *sigh* I'm just rambling, I guess. I just wish that I didn't want this so much. I want to stop wanting this, but I don't know how I can make this go away. I worry that it might not ever go away....