Thank you so much everybody!

I took courage from all your comments, and I DID get bold. I asked my t if we could re-do the celebration, based on the fact that I had trouble re-connecting after her absence. She said Yes, we could re-do it.

But now that I'm close to going in for my session. . .

. . . I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!!

i JUST ABSOLUTELY CANNOT.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

I just can't get the connected feeling back.

I am numb.

Under the numb, I am hurt and angry because T's absence reminds me of all my other losses. I can't face them all. They hurt too much. So I am a mountain and a tower. I am numb and I don't care. I want to crawl in a hole. I want to tell the whole world to jump in the lake because i am strong and a rock and i don't need anybody.

Here is what I sent my t:

One step closer
One step back
Feel connection
Then the lack

Drawing nearer
Farther now
Attaching, leaving
Don't know how

Why must leaving
bring on pain?
How do I
connect again?

Why does missing
feel like dying?
Why does caring
bring on crying?

why must i
become a stone
when I've been left
too long alone?

why do i hide
behind the wall
when i want to join you
most of all?

I don't want to go on my session this week. i have to be a rock. i have to.