wow.. i'm sorry that you're going through this.
I am sort of like like that.. i mean it seems like nothing is ever up to my standards. It's terrible because sometimes i get mad at my husband for stupid little things that he does that are not a big deal. I have to remind myself that he's an amazing husband and that i'm being ridiculous. Maybe her expectations are too high and unrealistic as well.
And she seems like she's really afraid of failure.
I definitely think she needs some help.
Since she doesn't want to go for counseling for herself.. why not ask her to go together? Or tell her you think you need it and you want her to be there with you for support. The therapist might be able to get her talking and be able to help her and you as well.
She needs to be able to accept that sometimes you need help from others. And she seems to take out her own angers and frustrations on you.. that's not okay, and u need to let her know that she's hurting you.
And make her aware that you could leave her because of the way that she's been treating you and how unhealthy your relationship is, but that you don't want that. Tell her that you want to be there for her but you need her help.
Good luck.. you're in a tough situation.