Hi me05,
I am sorry you are in such distress - at the top of the page are some helpful threads about dealing with the urges - I mention them because I didnt notice them for ages!
Is there someone in the real world you can talk to aobut this? a friend? its good that you came here and posted - this is a great place to give and recieve support when you need it - please come back and let us kow how you are doing P7
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts 
its how many times you get back up! 
(Thanks to fenrir for my Picture 
)
When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown,
Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
by Patrick Overton, author and poet