Ok, so I had T today. We "slowed down".

And then this afternoon....I just LOST IT. I got SO crazy, my AUTISTIC son said "wow, mom is overwhelmed and her personality changed!" (which as an aside, I thought was quite insightful of him). I was impulsive and loud and just crazy.

And I did something very, very, very self-abusive. I can't even write here what it was, I am so ashamed. It was impulsive and stupid, and nothing like anything I've ever done before. I can't believe myself that I did it...but I was like a runaway train or something. It wasn't normal self-abuse - cutting, or eating disorder stuff, or substance use- it was way, way, way above and beyond anything I've ever even CONSIDERED doing. It was, literally, crazy.

I called T and told him what I did. He called and left me a very stern message. I think he might be mad at me...I don't know, he's probably not. He thinks I am doing anything I can do get the focus off of the childhood stuff, and saying "look at me, look how crazy I am, we need to focus on THIS". He's probably right.

His message scared me a little. I'm sure he is just concerned and wants me to STOP. He sounded SO serious. He said his feelings about me haven't changed....and he said that if it is not time to talk about childhood stuff it's not time. He got very serious about breathing and getting grounded. He was going to call me tomorrow because H is out of town, but I had told him, when I called to tell him what I did, not to. He said to call him tomorrow - NOT tonight while I am in this place I'm in - to tell him if I want him to call. He said if I said not to call, he would NOT call, and that if I say to call, he WILL call.

This is by far, BY SO VERY FAR, the craziest, stupidest thing that I've done since starting therapy. No one was hurt but me. I literally can't believe what I did.

T said he doesn't hate me, his feelings are the same, etc. But wow, he sounded really stern. That was scary.

I am shaking while I type this. Obviously childhood stuff has thrown me into a really, really, REALLY crazy place. I want T to be PROUD of me, and I SO blew it.

I really don't know if this **** is worth it sometimes.