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Feb 24, 2009, 08:17 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 795
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ECHOES
It sounds like a wish to reconnect.
In bankruptcy creditors agree to dissolve the debt and release the debtor. She chose to do that and it is done.
It's a nice thought to want to repay her. Maybe you could pay it forward and donate all or part of that amount someplace that would make you feel good?  |
Yes, I've recognized that it's a desire to reconnect now, but have carried so much guilt about it for so many years. When I got some money when my dad died, it was one of the first things on my mind. It's really, really difficult to live with having gone bankrupt and most of all with a person that you know--and don’t want to hurt-- compared to a credit card company, which is also but a lesser burden.
I’m haunted by a comment she made years earlier in therapy about some financial issue I was having with someone—a dispute of sorts I think—and she said “You’re not a deadbeat; you pay your bills” to assuage my feelings. Then I became a deadbeat to her. The memory of her saying that has stuck with me since I went bankrupt. Like the real me was revealed years later to really be a deadbeat.
I ruminate like crazy over things that I think were a failing on my part. In partial hospitalization/dbt we’ve been talking about shame and guilt; there’s an element of both for me in this, but the shame weighs me down like nothing else. I can’t forgive myself.
Trying to process the therapy relationship with her with my NYC T is stirring up a lot of things, I guess.
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out of my mind, left behind
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