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Feb 24, 2009, 10:33 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 795
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Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmama
(((((((((((((imapatient))))))))))))))))
after all of these years, I would just let it go. It might not FEEL like it, but it does sort of seem like a "wanting to reconnect" kind of thing...
I like the idea of paying it foward. Or....maybe hang on to it while you wait to figure out what your outpatient program is going to cost you? You may NEED that money!! 
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No, I recognize the "re-connect" wish in it as on my mind to want to re-pay now. But the guilt/shame thing has always been with me ever since.
Let it go?
Letting things go is probably my biggest problem. I don't know how to; I seem to be unable to do so. So I sit and ruminate/obsess about things for years and years, sapping my psychic energy, and harming my self-esteem. I know I heard in therapy long ago--due to my endless ruminating--and also heard today at PH that ruminating over past failures, rejections, disappointments, etc. are a kind of self-abuse, mental self-harm by mentally re-living over and over the events. The ruminating/obsessing problem is part of my informal diagnosis--something about being stuck at a certain developmental phase in that way.
Actually, now that it comes to mind, we did this dbt exercise today about the getting over things, letting go. Coming to a fork in the road with one road being the acceptance avenue and the other being something like "rejection of reality road." The last bit was a sheet showing a hand turned as if emptying over a big wastebasket. We were supposed to put in the things that we know we need to throw away/get over. I put "bankruptcy guilt/shame" as one of those things.
A ha, I go home and post about the part of it relating to my old T. Guess I just figured out what triggered this issue, though it's been on my mind for a few months now in trying to process the old T termination.
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out of my mind, left behind
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