Well let me say to my hearts content...and straightforward...bcz i have run out of all options...

I am a 25 year old student from India. I have been operated twice for my sinus surgery but actually it was major depressive disorder. Unfortunately my family never knew of anything called depression and most of doctors in india also dont believe in depression.

I have been receiving treatment from last six months for depression...I have been confined within my room from last 2 years except that i have to go to doctor...Now my depression is not going away...sometimes its anxiety, sometimes severe crying spell, sometimes somatization like disorder; etc etc...

I come from a very very middle class family and sitting at home from last 2 years has been too tough for me. The Psychiatrist fees is rs 400 (8$ USA) per visit and i have had numerous sittings with him...My sinus surgery costed me several lakhs rupees...I feel guilty
that i am a burden to my family...i dont know why depression had taken me ...why...

There is no definite improvement...and unlike USA; in India we have no social security system or healthcare benefits...and my father is old age and cannot work now...my mother is a housewife...i dont know what to do...

I have been living with the hope that when i get ok; i will work hard and repay my parents and ensure they get proper care as its my duty as a son. But see what i am a burden...when i go to doctor i cannot go in public transport due to my depression and i cannot afford even a taxi...it hurst me deep within that bcz of me my parents are suffering...

Tell me is there any option...how long can i afford to sit up at home and wait for my recovery...the doctor has changed several antidepressants and still there is only marginal relief...i cannot commit suicide bcz then my parents would be totally devastated...
they will be broke without me...i know this...bcz whenever i talk about suicide my mother
cries....Say me what to do...

how do i continue my existence in this world without being a burden to my family...

how do i survive in this tough world where everything is money...

how do i keep myself calm mentally when i see my parents worries because of me..

how do i carry myself alive even when my depression does not go away....

how do i work hard when i want to work but my body my mind my depression has made me crippled....

how do i pay for costly medicines every day, every week, every month...

how do i pay the psychiatrist who is no doubt very good at his medical knowledge but whose
fees are beyond my ability to pay...

how do i pay my psychiatrist every visit rs 400 when i have earned not a single rupee from last 2 years and my father is not able to work anymore...

How do i pass my time every second, every day , every week....when nothing has happened in last 2 years...

Am i lazy NO i am not; i want to work hard; i want to be a responsible son; i want to be responsible person;

why depression affects those who cannot afford to pay for treatment; for whom even basic necessities of life are met by working hard every month...

why the world is so professional...

where is GOD and if he is there why he does not help me...i beg him to help me...

I can bear my pain...i have no regrets even if i die now...but why my parents have to suffer bcz of me...what wrong have they done...i feel i have done injustice to them by being their child...they deserve better life....

i cry in front of god daily then also why he does not listen........

i know saying all this hardly makes sense...but then to whom to say all this...bcz for those u understand no explnation is necessary and for those who do not understand no explnation will suffice...

u know the only thing that pains is that when i look in the face of my father and mother who r waiting each day with an expectation that their son will some day get Ok recover fully from depression and obviously take care of them...they have devoted 25 years of life for me...they have spent all their savings on my education...they want to see me settled...they
want me to be a man of my own...

it pains when i look at my helplessness; my inability; my willingness but my limitations; it pains deep within...it pains in every drop of blood that passes flows in my body...it pains when i close my eyes...it pains when i open my eyes...it pains when i see sunlight...to me it hardly matters anymore whether i exist or die...bcz existence and death in my case has only one difference and that is of heartbeat throbbing but no emotions; no feelings; only pain.......the dark pain;;the hollowness the emptiness the vastness....

thanks

mohit