I've been having problems with my mom for years now. We used to get into big screaming battles because of some small thing I said or did that ate at her all day. When she would come at me screaming (somtimes literally break my door lock and pull my blanket off of me while I was sleeping) I would scream right back. After she broke me down (emotionally) to the point that I could do nothing but sob (she hates it when I cry) she would storm out of my room and yell about me to the rest of my family. She would get them to agree how bad/wrong/stupid I was and how good/right/smart she was. She would continue to criticize me loudly to herself while she stormed around the house, and I sat in my room and cried. Eventually I learned to not even fight back. When she would start to scream at me I'd just sit there and cry (which she would scream at me even more for), and she would still go to my younger brothers/whatever current boyfriend for support. Even farther down the road I stopped crying, and I stopped caring. The yelling stopped for a long time after that. I didn't care about her at all that time, and when our dog (that we'd had since I was little) died, she finally noticed something was wrong with our relationship. She asked me why I never tried to comfort her or hug her during that time (she was a complete wreak, crying nonstop and not going to work. Which oddly enough are things that she "sees" in me and hates) I don't even remember what I said, but somehow she got me to give her the constant affection I normally give to people I care about and we were stable again. Very shortly after that I started dating a guy, (he's the one I've been posting about) and one night that he was at my house and we were asleep she started beating on my bedroom door at 7:30 in the morning. Not knowing what I could have possibly done this time, and extremely startled, I shot out of bed and ran to my door. I had never told my boyfriend about my less than satisfactory relationship with my mom, in fact I hadn't told any body at all because all of my friends love her and think she's awesome. So he was freaked out when she started screaming at me. Since it hadn't happened in a while I wasn't expecting it. She kicked my boyfriend out for the week (and please don't criticise me for sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend. I don't like sleeping alone, and it was something I did with him even when we were just friends, and actually I've basically dog piled into my bed with several people on several occasions and not in a sexual way at all) When she was screaming at me about all kinds of things she mentioned how kicking him out was the only thing she knew would hurt me. So I finally understood the silence on her part for so long. I hadn't been letting her in on my life, so she had no ammo with which to hurt me. That whole scene (understandably) made my boyfriend not want to be at my house anymore. And it was that day that things started to get rocky between us...

So, that's some of my history with my mom. Now yesterday she was trying to get me to read this book that apparently would explain her "parenting technique". All I could think about was two days ago when she made a casual comment about how her and dad always used to drive drunk with us in the car. After she said that, she laughed. It might also interest you to know that we lived next to pot dealers, and there probably wasn't a moment in my childhood where one of my parent's wasn't high. I've tried for years to understand and forgive her, but at this point I'm done with her. When I graduate I'm moving out to a city near my friends, and I'm not going to talk to her anymore. The wierdest thing is that even though she's always been extremely hard on me, she has never even come close to doing that to my younger (but still teenage) brothers. It's the same thing with our dad. He had been known to hurt my brothers (not to the point of broken bones, but he would shake them) but he never laid a hand on me in any way. I don't think, no matter how many times I read this book she wants me to, that I will ever understand her parenting methods. I'm sorry for this extremely long rant. I just needed to get that off my chest. Yesterday was a bad day for me and her, even though she'd never notice.