Pieces have been slowly coming together. My therapy sessions have been so hard lately. I want to talk to T so badly, but I can't ever figure out what to say, so I go there and we mostly just stare at each other, or talk about things that are less important a little bit, but that doesn't even last long because we both know that stuff isn't what I'm there for, so we go back to staring at each other.

T has been trying to get me to stop identifying myself as so dysfunctional, because maybe I take it too far, and it isn't helping me to do that. And I'm responding by shutting down, because I've gotten that message that I don't have any problems and have no right to think that I do from my parents and previous therapists, etc., and obviously I was struggling, and still do even if not as much, and my parents and others in the past were not hearing me and their objective was to keep me from getting better or getting help (because they didn't want to deal with it, didn't want to feel bad or recognize their part in in, were tired of me, or whatever). So part of my struggle now is that I'm also hearing from someplace inside that I don't deserve help, and it's stupid and bad to do things to try to help myself, and I should just accept things the way they are and not make a fuss. So then I can't tell T about my ideas or what I try that is constructive either, because I'm afraid that she will think it it stupid and selfish and bad and I don't deserve it, and all that stuff.

I still have another week to go before I see T again. I hope that I'll be able to explain this to her then.