Fear. And I have been told in the past that moving from one therapist to another is a sign of illness/badness. In other words, maybe my dissatisfaction with a T is "my fault" -- not the therapist's. And in line with my experience as a child, I anticipate that wanting to change T's will offend the T, and I will get smashed as a result. Don't tell me this is foolish or "distorted" thought. Was it distorted when I was a child? Is the situation different in that respect now? How do I know it is, how do I know when it is not?

I am acutely aware of how unreliable my thinking is. I cannot depend on myself.

And how many therapists are there who really understand, anyway? I have not met any. Do they understand what I mean by "thought blockage" or "thought contra-diction"? Do they understand when I try to explain "listening"? I did not understand that when I was younger. I thought I was listening. I was not listening to someone else. I was not willing to hear what they said when it seemed "wrong". When I try to explain I get a blank -- as though it is something entirely beyond their experience, or something beyond their wanting to know about it.