Fear.

And I have been told in the past that moving from one therapist to another is a sign of illness/badness. In other words, maybe my dissatisfaction with a T is "my fault" -- not the therapist's.

And in line with my experience as a child, I anticipate that wanting to change T's will offend the T, and I will get smashed as a result.

Don't tell me this is foolish or "distorted" thought. Was it distorted when I was a child? Is the situation different in that respect now? How do I know it is, how do I know when it is not?

Okay, I won't tell you they are foolish or distorted thoughts but are these thoughts serving you well or not so well? If not so well, do you want to work through them? Being able to identify the thoughts is quite an accomplishment for anyone so you have moved through step 1.

I am acutely aware of how unreliable my thinking is. I cannot depend on myself.

Do they understand what I mean by "thought blockage"

I and many people here can understand thought blockage and you have explained here how you freeze up when you get triggered.

or "thought contra-diction"?

Having 2 thoughts or needs that contradict each other? I had this when I feared intimacy. I wanted so much to be in a relationship but at the same time I was too scared of it.

Do they understand when I try to explain "listening"? I did not understand that when I was younger. I thought I was listening. I was not listening to someone else. I was not willing to hear what they said when it seemed "wrong".

So because you mother was so dominate in controlling you, you tried to rebel by not listening when you knew she was wrong?