I had an extra session with T today. Amazingly, everything fell into place so I could go.

He always sits with me on the couch but I had him sit in his chair (which he then pulled closer to the couch ). I was afraid of his anger, and I was so ashamed and I didn't want him to have to be near me.

Sitting there with him, I could see he wasn't angry or judgmental about what happened yesterday. He was concerned because he doesn't want me to be in pain, but he UNDERSTOOD. That was big.

We talked a lot about my Complex PTSD/DID. We both go back and forth on "labeling" what is going on. On the one had, knowing that I have DID and complex PTSD makes me feel BETTER because I'm not just "crazy", there is an explanation for what is going on. On the other hand, I know he wants to just see me as "earthmama",and I want that TOO. It's a balance we have to strike.

I got lonely and he came and sat with me. I told him about the noise in my head and who was wanting to be heard. We decided to give her a little bit of what she needed. I was scared that she wouldn't go away, and he explained gently to her that we could meet her needs a little and then she would have to let earthmama be in charge and we wouldn't forget about her she could come back. So I REALLY let little me be there and it was okay.

I told him on a phone message that I am scared now that all of these parts of me are going to be lining up to get THEIR needs met...in fact, when he invited little me so openly into the room, I could feel a lot of "what about ME" in my head. He left me a message and said he got that that was scary for me...but that we would just move SLOWLY and it would be okay.

It feels like a turning point in my therapy, for sure. Maybe this is the first step towards the dissociation lessening....just accepting who is there and letting them have what they need. It's a scary thought for a lot of reasons, but hopeful too, I guess. Ha - when I started this thread it seemed hopeful, but now it seems scary. I guess it's both.

I just know I can't have another afternoon like yesterday...and I guess if this is what it takes, we'll have to move through it.

At least the littlest part of me left feeling really good

Whew. Therapy!