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Jewels · Feb 25, 2009, 09:09 PM

Tonight is one of those nights when the fears creep in and you can't stop them and you feel like you are going to die. Part of you wants to die, to end this stupid cycle of pain, but other parts want to keep going, want to get it all out so that they can finally be free of the torment and pain they have been in...the panic rises over me, through me, and just keeps coming...wave after wave after wave hits me and causes such stark fear that I wonder if this is what abbi and LEAH and the others felt when they went through their abuse...if they did, I don't see HOW they made it through, because even with just the panic and pain it is enough to send me teetering at the edge...I feel simply horrified at the images that scream across my mind, at the torment and the dizzying pain that was felt for all these years, at the gut-wrenching agony that tore through them...who the hell am I to want to quit after just a quiet evening of experiencing it? Just who the hell do I think I am to want to end my life just because I can't stand the pain after two or three hours? What have I DONE? What is wrong with me? Is this what it feels like to go crazy, to have everything stripped away in a second...in LESS than a second? They were just children themselves...where was I? Where WAS I? How can I say ever again that I don't want to know anything more? IS this all there is? This wearing down so far that you actually pray that death takes you? And when death doesn't come knocking anymore, how do you live with the realizations that because YOU couldn't stand the pain, you left and made someone else come and take the pain and torture and abuse to save yourself? How can I EVER look myself in the mirror again and say that it didn't happen to me, when I KNOW it DID??? When I know in vague terms it really did happen, I just don't know the specifics? Do I NEED to know the specifics? Do I need to know EXACTLY WHAT happened? IF I DO, THEN I AM IN TROUBLE. I CAN'T EVEN BEAR TO KNOW ONE MINUTE OF WHAT HAPPENED. I don't want to hear the pain and the sorrow and the sadness, I don't want to see the despair when I look into eyes that show only the effects of what has happened. I'm NOT calloused to their pain, I don't enjoy seeing their pain, but it happened somewhere outside of myself, with me tucked perfectly away behind walls that held out all sound, all vision, all of everything, and left "me" intact, going about my stupid little life, thinking all was fine. I don't think that way anymore. But if I DO think that way, for even a second, the horrors of what happened scream in agony, as if wanting me to know that while I was "out of sight, out of mind", things happened, TO ME. Things I could not then, nor do I now know how to cope with. Would someone tell me please if this is worth going through? What, in the end, will it BE like? What will it LOOK like? What will I FEEL like? What will I do when there are no tears to be shed any longer, when all the secrets are told and healed, and all those inside live in harmony with me? Can ANYBODY tell me that? I don't KNOW how to feel anymore. I don't KNOW what is right and what is wrong anymore, and I don't know what is safe anymore. Will anything, at any time, be safe, ever again?

Crying because I don't know how else to be right now,

Yahna the main Jewel