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Feb 26, 2009, 01:02 AM
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Member Since: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,938
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Yahna}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
i'm so sorry that things are in such turmoil for you but its ok hunny to cry and release some of these feelings that are swamping you right now. You talk of the memories of not wanting or needing to remember and like you l too have felt it.......not wanted to believe it, thinking if l even contemplated any of it then it would all just be too much and on bad days yes l am still very much locked in that place. Wishing that it wasnt true , pushing it away, pretending to all that its all ok when really deep inside..... torture at the horrors of what l am beginning to understand is our lives........ shattering all what l thought that l was a happy child, loved and cared for.......so what l see now the hurt , the torture, the neglect and abuse......who was that then?? do l know this person???why do l see all of this, hear it smell it , feel it.......beacause like you l 'went away' gave the pain to others inside because it was all too much for me to bear..........that is what l find hard that l(mandy) wanted and needed to pass the pain away because l couldnt bear it so l gave it to these children to protect mandy and now now they are giving it back to me...... now they need me......need me to see and to acknowledge that what happened DID happen, DID cause terrible terrible hurt and pain to all of them in so many different ways........l am them and they are me and now for all of us to heal this hurt it is now my time to see, hear and face the unthinkables of our very existance..............its hurts so bad
it torture and turmoil, lost and alone, searching and confusing......easier to switch out and stay out......but now l think its my turn to try to help us......to do this l HAVE to acknowledge all the many many things that l have avoided for so long................some days are so dark and long and its so so hard just to stay living but do l have the right to give up on us all when the others didnt give up on me... would l not be saying.............there pain means nothing ...
l want us all to heal the pain and hurt...... will it ever be?
l dont know if or how or when this could ever be 'fixed' but l owe it to all of us to at least try to heal some of this pain
DON'T I????? HAVE TO TRY???HAVE TO TRY TO BELIEVE???? HEAL THE HURT??
EASY????NO!!!! SO VERY VERY PAINFUL
{{{{{{{{Jewels and all}}}}}}}}}
we love you all........we have to believe that hope is there......we have to walk this walk one small small step at a time................to take us to a place called
peace, love and happiness........it is there hunny...hang onto that even when there seems no way out.....hold onto us all.............we are all here with you walking the same rocky , bumpy path, wobbling, stumbling, and helping others back to their feet when they have fallen........ we are stronger together.......and we are united tied together so no one should completely fall
In my thoughts and prayers always
LIZxx 
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"never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.... few things are more humiliating and what a tragedy when they believe you"
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