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I have said to T in the past, that I feel I am learning to ride a bike, and she is holding the seat, and when she takes a holiday it feels like she has let go of the seat, and the bike and me on it begin to slow down, its a feeling of not being able to go much futher without her stablising support.
T said, "Yes and one day you will find you can go further and further without me holding on until one day your up and running on your own".
I think thats whats beginning to happen now, and it raises conflicting feelings and thoughts, I keep getting this thought in my head that T isn't as "perfect" as I needed to have her be in the beginning, and lately theres been moments in session where her interpretation hasn't been "spot on" and I've found my own "answer/solution", and that feels frightening for a while because it does feel just like her letting go of the seat of the bike and those first gloriious but frighting moments hit me..
It does feel exactly like the coming to "adulthood" that we all experience in our lifes, but going through all this growing as an adult feels surreal, I get moments of, wow, thats just like the stage a teenager experiences, or a toddler experiences, so it is true, we all are supposed to have had this milestones in childhood and early adolence...things are on track then, my needs for T/a mother figure, so are changing and I am becoming more interdependent...and theres saddness as well, because there is something nice adn warm about the way a child needs a mother....and something sad and great about that dependency changing to interdependency..I'm not saying I'm anywhere near finished "needing" T, if we ever are finished "needing" someone, but the way I "need" is beginning toa alter...it feels like growing a new "part" but a "part" that really is a mother figure to all my childhood "parts" that were created due to trauma, this a "part" created in recovery.
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach
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