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This morning there is a calm that I haven't felt before. Like people know and understand, and it's ok to be feeling like I am. The crying has stopped, at least temporarily, and I am able to at least look and see that I haven't died yet, and am not likely to for quite a while yet. It's as if a giant pressure cooker in my brain has blown the steam and is ready for more. But I'm not sure that I want to feel again like I felt last night. There is quiet inside, though, and I would like to believe that they are feeling hopeful because of last night. Such turmoil and pain, pain so exquisite that it feels like thousands of tiny grains of sand hitting me at lightning fast speed, piercing the armor to reach the underneath. I don't know how to handle that pain, those sheer moments of terror and chaos and unrest. I feel like a warzone has just passed me by, has hurled all its grenades at me, and left me for dead. I am not sure this will last, but I'd like to think I reached some kind of milestone. One that won't let me go backwards any longer, one that is ready to give me more of the same now that I have seen I am very capable of learning. I don't know what is in store, but I do know that there is now a trust that wasn't there before. I must go and search and figure out what it is that I have learned, but just wanted you all to know that for the first time I feel just that. Hopeful. Hopeful that one day this pain WILL end, and I will find myself by myself, with everyone tucked away inside, free of the secrets we had to keep, free of the pain and torment and craziness that was our life. I know that thank you sounds so very trite. especially here with all you helping me and cheering me on. But know that I cherish your friendships, cherish your stories, and cherish you as friends that will but tell the truth to me always, whether I WANT to hear it or not.
Thank you for all who walk this road together with me. I am honored to know you, and respect you who have known for such a long time those feelings that I am now facing. Thank you for your honesty, for your beauty, and for your grace. for it's by grace that I have seen what I have created, and it is by grace that I am alive still this morning. THANK you for everything you help me with, and thank you that you can reach out in your own pain to help calm the fright that I feel inside.
Yahna, the main Jewel
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True love exists when we lose ourselves to invest in the care of others.
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