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multipixie9 · 08:25 AM

yahna,

i am glad for the little oasis of your day. you are facing so much and it is overwhelming - the understatement of the decade!

one thing i hope you will hear from me, i learned that i do not need to be angry at me that i split and gave the pain away to others. i was just a toddler and it was a God-given way to survive through creative imagery and dissociation. i did not DO it to my others to hurt them, they took it and helped us all survive a hell NO child should ever face, but all too many do. i am learning to HONOR my alters, my heroes and helpers and rascals and saints who all participated in the rescue that kept us alive - partly even to write words of encouragement to you today. BUT....i did not start the healing journey this way. first i denied, insulted, ignored, punished, rejected and acted badly toward my others. they repayed me with migraines and back pains and all sorts of unpleasantries and i no longer blame them for those. it was war and people in war do what they must. My T, my hero, Carolyn spent a lot of time listening to me and then to us and to all sorts of things while she patiently spoke truth to us and quietly and kindly nailed my tennies to the floor as i tried to escape my past through denial. it hasn't been a lot of fun, but finally it has become effective and i am growing, changing and healing bit by bit and i have learned to love and respect my others - no matter how they "assisted" me, because all of their behaviors, good and bad came BECAUSE they thought that was how they could keep us alive. even those who tried the suicide path were taught that they were doing a job FOR us - a "backdoor" of escape. thankfully we had just as many parts whose job was to "prevent backdoors" from doing their jobs. sounds pretty squirrelly, but it was all we had between us, hell and the devil.

if you hang in there...IT WILL GET BETTER. if you were not strong you would not have survived childhood. taking the time to develop trust with your others and to learn how to stand listening to their "stories and truth" will earn you cooperation, in time.

i wish i could give you an extra infusion of hope and faith, but words is all i can offer, though i wish i could give more.

i think you are doing a good thing in writing as much as you are writing, it is good to pour it all out, just as it comes and please be patient with all of you. i care. hugs if you want them,

leslie and the pixies