I am sitting here in a bad place in my mind trying to make sense of things. My first T appointment is coming up on me fast. I am more nervous each day than the day before. Today I am empty. I often start my day this was, once I get my feet on the floor and get moving I become very agitated. It is like hearing the ticking in my head I am a time bomb. Tick....tick....tick. Then once face to face or around anyone I get angry. The ticking get louder my heart starts to pound like I am waiting for someone to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. I feel like I am looking for a reasons to be angry. A reason to have an emotion inside. I am not quite sure which feels better being mad at the world or feeling that emptiness. Is one the depression they think I have and the other the PTSD they think I have. Possibly is it just that I am messed up all together. I have never allowed myself to feel what is inside I would shove them away. Is the looking for things to be angry about my way to fill the emptiness? These are questions I ask myself. So I am thinking a lot of this has to do with the fact that my first T appointment is Tuesday. I am am so afraid of this appointment and was not sure why. I am thinking it has to do with my feelings I have inside. I am very angry over my assault and my past. This has been held in for so long that I think I am trying to get rid of my anger before this appointment. They people keep telling me not to be afraid of therapy and my feelings. They are my feelings and I am entitled to them. That is all well and good but I am afraid if I do not difuse my anger some way some how before I see her I will go off. I am beginning to see my biggest fear of therapy would be my feelings on top of not being able to vocalize how I feel. I want to go into this with an open heart and open mind. Then the next minute I want to cancel the appointment. I am so conflicted right now my the choice to go or not.....to allow myself to feel or just remain empty. My agitation and anger right now is unbelievable. Driving behind an old lady who kept hitting or as I refer to it riding her brakes....there were no cars in front of her speed limit 45 nd we were going 25. I was back far enough that I gunned the gas and wanted to slam into her....then went opps can't do that and hit the brake.

So now I am angry with myself after occupation therapy yesyerday for my hand. They gave me a 2 page form to fill out, It had questions about my incident if I am having hightmare, changed eating habits, feel likethe incident is happening again. I filled it out and was realizing that form was to assess wether I am sufferng from PTSD. I have been in OT for over 8 weeks why now give me this form. My OT took the form and put it in my folder and said the OT I will have on Friday will talk to me about it. This OT I am seeing on Friday I ditched last week and have never met her before. So I know they discuss patients because they like to have different OTs working with different techniques, So now I am angry they they have been talking about me. So thinking about this I get even more angry b\c these women are hand therapists not MH therapists. So now I do not want to go tomorrow because I do not was to talk to them about my issues I do have a therapist I am going to try to talk to about this. So driving home I then get angry with myself b\c I am obviously not as good at hiding how I feel which makes me feel more vulnerable. So why am I posting this here? Because right now I get so angry to the point it scares me. What will happen in therapy if she pushes a button or askes a question I don't like. I am afraid I will go off. Everyone says the T is trained to handle these things. I guess the main reason for posting here is because this how every day goes for me. Emptiness, agitation, anger, then usually back to emptiness. I am conflicted with myself most of all because I feel like I am looking for reasons to be angry, looking for someone to take it out on and feel like if I don't get rid of it bad things are going to happen. Because in the end I turn my anger on myself.

Thanks for listening to my babble...sorry it is so long...finniest thing is I just said more in here than I will when I see the T. In a way I am looking for things to keep me from thinking about this appointment with the psychologist.