horsecab,
Lenny made a good point about Saturday being a good start. We all have to start somewhere.

Jme, but perhaps separating your problems--self destructive behavior, AvPD--from your alcoholism might be a good idea for just a little while...I understand that all of these things are rolled into one big pain.
However, if you don't stay away from the booze there ain't a darn thing in your life that will improve...

Give AA another go. No one is required to speak, so you can sit and listen. Do your best to hear things that are the same way you feel--put aside any feelings of not belonging.
Every person in that room is there for one reason:
To Get Through Just One More Day Without Drinking.

Keep posting here. We've walked the same steps in getting sober. Most of us, myself included, were brought to our knees from our drinking.
You already know, horsecab, that it is not easy.
But I hear in your post that you are getting real sick of being sick and tired.
You are asking for help, and we are willing to give it. One day at a time...
It's up to you to decide to take it one day at a time. If you can't do a day at a time, do ten minutes at a time--something I've done myself.

You are being given another chance. You are alive. You may not be well, but you are alive.
From there you can take the first steps into a life of sobriety...so much more beautiful to live sober than drunk/hung over/full of guilt and shame.

Keep coming back. At some point you will hear/read something that will open your heart and help you.

My very best wishes,
Cap