Being invalidated probably goes back a lot further than this, and a single (major) incident doesn't really come to mind, but I am remembering things from when I was nine years old that were the beginning of my realization of my parents' attitude toward me. Well, you already know about the bully experiences which were when I was 6 - 8 years old; first, second, and third grade. Okay, here's the earliest incident I remember regarding invalidation. I walked to school, a little more than a mile. It seemed like such a long way to walk, and I was late sometimes. When I was in third grade my sister started kindergarten, so she walked to school with me. I don't think she walked home with me though - she must have gotten out earlier than I did, and my mother probably picked her up. When I was late for school the teacher sent me to the office to get a tardy permit. I liked my teacher, but the office staff, lunch monitors, and playground monitors were all mean. When I had to get a tardy permit the office staff would always demand to know why I was late, and for punishment I had to stay in the office after school for 15 minutes or half an hour. It was a very long time to have to sit there on the bench in the office and not be allowed to do anything. Also, when I had to stay after school I would definitely be walking home alone, and there would not be other kids around except for the bullies who waited for me, so I knew what was going to happen on the way home - I would be beaten up. I don't remember being late to school very often before my sister started kindergarten, but that year I was late a lot, usually because she was not ready to leave on time and dawdled on the way. When I had to go to the office for a tardy permit and they asked why I was late, I always said that my sister made me late. Since she was in kindergarten she didn't get in trouble for being late, as kindergarteners didn't have to get tardy permits or stay after school, so I was the only one who was punished. One day we were late, and my sister's teacher decided to send her to the office. It must have been because we were late so often and I always said it was her fault - maybe they decided to start making her a little bit accountable, or maybe they talked to my mother and she verified that it was my sister's fault. I don't know, but I was sent to the office and said that I was late because my sister made me late, and they said no, they had already talked to my sister (the kindergarten classrooms were right next to the office but mine was on the other side of the school) and she said that I made her late. It was a lie, but they only believed her. As usual, I was the only one who had to stay after school. When I told my mother about it she took their side. It didn't make any difference what I said, but that time it was more frustrating because nobody would listen to me and they thought I was a liar, but they only thing that was different really was that she copied me and blamed me.

Other things from about the same time were that I wanted to do some after school activities like campfire girls or dance or gymnastic lessons, but my mother said no because she didn't have time to take me to things or have to pick me up. I wanted to have a birthday party, but I never had one because my mother said it would be too much work.

What I said, what I wanted, what I needed just plain didn't matter to anyone. I knew that if I had to stay after school I would get beaten up, but nobody listened to me and there was nothing that I could do about it. When I wanted to participate in any kind of social activities I was always told no because it was too much trouble. I wasn't worth it. I spent most of my life thinking that I was worthless.

I forgot until just now, but it was during this time that my father was in Korea for two years (he was in the Air Force - it was peace time, but he was sent to the base there, and at that time they didn't send families to Korea so we stayed behind). He came back about the time I finished third grade and then we moved. That would be another story - plenty to say about that too but I'll save it for later.

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>