it sounds like to me there are many factors causing distress with your wife and your life in general. have you ever considered therapy for yourself? jme, but i feel that working with a t could help you untangle all this that's going on and help you in the long run. your wife has issues and you have issues. she doesn't want to get help but there's no reason you can't get help. therapy has helped me tremendously to understnad the realtionships i have with others. it has taught me new coping skills to manage my own life better. it also, surprisingly for me, helped me to understand who i was and that i was a good person. hope u will keep us posted on how u are doing.
i'm glad you posted here to seek some answers. i hope mine may help you in some way.